Options.

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So while I was back home for the weekend, we had girl’s night.
We were going out for a friend’s birthday. The thing was none of us could figure out what to do. We knew we didn’t want to go clubbing and we did like the idea of a bar, but then dinner was the issue.
To have dinner before a bar, or to eat at the first bar. Then, hold up, which bar are we going to? That in itself was a dilemma.

So we finally came to a consensus. We were going to eat at the first bar, near a particular subway station because it had a lot of bars nearby. Which goes into the fact that we were barhopping that night.

I thought bartenders hitting on you was a very movie-esque thing to happen. But apparently it does happen in real life and it took me by surprise. Especially for someone in a relationship, you just tend to think that you won’t get hit on anymore.

So there we were in the first bar of the night. It was a very odd day, the weather was gloomy but there was enough sun out to keep the skies bright while there was a spattering of rain. People were very confused whether to use umbrellas or not.
We walk in; the bar was relatively empty at this point. But you can see it slowly picking up its pace. Since it wasn’t too busy yet, the bartender has to come and wait us as well. He starts off and I slowly realized he’s very sarcastic and sassy. Which is given that I love.

For a glimpse my mind was totally swimming in the thought of unfamiliarity. I always preferred to have sense of closeness to a person before I slept with them. I especially don’t want to ever get drunk to the point that a guy I’m not into when sober, but I somehow sleep with him and obviously regret it. But this guy’s charm got to me, and I was tipsy enough to talk more but still sober enough to get flustered. Then the more he charmed me, I was just sitting there in this bar stool and he put his hand on my shoulder and my body just got chills.

This was different from dancing with someone at a club. You’re so caught into the music and dance that any touch means absolutely nothing. Because you’re touching everyone! You have to stop people from touching too much. Haha.

So my mind raced and it just imagined his hands on my bare skin. My waist. My neck, holding my cheek, going for a kiss. And he has those rocker hands, where they have rough fingers. And you can feel it while his hands moves over you. I’m so used to weightlifting hands where the roughness around the palm. He was the perfect height to kiss without being on my toes, and close enough to feel his scruff. His body lean with a good amount of muscle. He wore his brown curly hair in a bun with sunglasses acting like a head band. His brown eyes with his baby face hidden under an effortless beard. That rushing sense of exciting and new gets me bothered for a bit. I wonder how it would be to get with a guitar player (which he is) also in a band. He did elude a very band like sense of style.

Ugh. Long story short haha. It is nice to think about how it might be to explore other options, because the world is vast, and we are all curious at least I know I am. But it is also smart to be happy with what you have already which I am very grateful for despite all the hard work that it entails. It is a lot of emotional pressure, and mental stress but through it all I know I am happy even though I don’t feel it constantly.

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Hard to Speak.

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It’ s hard to look at someone and tell them something very important about you. The thing that makes you, you. The event or the situation that made you realize that the world is not a safe place, that people are not always nice to you, that people are selfish and they only want things for themselves without the consideration of others.

Now this is even hard to tell someone who cares the most about you. For example my father. And telling my father what has happened to me, did not occur in the way that I expected it to occur.

I just came back home for the weekend, and somehow I was driving us both back home, him from work and me from dinner with friends. And the conversation we were having slowly guided into what happened to me. He ask for details, and descriptions, which I was struggling to give up. Muffled nods and yeas were all I can say. Although I did go into how I’m letting him know now because I’m grown up, I realize what happened, how I feel about it. I have pretty much summed up the situation with no doubt about what happened and I have accepted it.

The car ride became a long one when we were on the street where our house was, but we kept driving around the area talking still, until my father said to drive on the highway until another city so we can go to a casino. Yes, I know, not the typical answer to a situation. But after all the talking and tears (on both ends) and hand holding and hugging I thought it was well deserved. He did give me a warning not to tell my mom, which I already knew was given.

After the casino winning $5 more than I spent, and my dad losing his $40 that he played, we called it a very late night of 3am. We sneaked back home without waking my mother and called it a night. I don’t know what is going to happen tomorrow but for today I know that me and my father bonded.

Plates.

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This semester has been the most difficult semester of my 2 years here. I have been so scattered brained, and lost, and confused on what I have to do. Even though I spent all of last semester working on my study, time and organizational skills, and yet here I am lost as ever.

Though after looking at my schedule over the winter break I told myself that I was going to start working out again. Though it was more going to be cardio based, and to do insanity which is what I used to do. But after getting so overwhelming stressed, and the urge to squat properly I accompanied my friend to the gym (which I am also scared shitless to go alone since I am a tiny person I just feel even small at the gym).

After pushing myself so hard, which in the beginning I thought I can only do 90lbs total, meaning the bar is  45lb and putting roughly 20-25lbs on each side. Which is nothing to how much I ended up doing. Which within two weeks was 45lb bar with a plate (45lb) on each side which is a total of 135lb total. Never in my life did I think I could manage that.

And from the start of February I have been going at least two to three times a week, and have been doing insanity at home. And I’ve gotten back to working out 5 days a week, which makes me so happy, since it de-stresses me so much, and having a long term goal, and having many short term goals that aren’t school related is so relieving on the soul.

For me, my three goals are to hit by the end of the semester

2 plate deadlifts
2 plate squats
and 300lbs on leg press

Bubble.

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The reason why I have low expectation of people is that I don’t like letting myself get disappointed. That’s also the reason why I don’t believe in the honeymoon phase and living in a bubble with my SO.

To me it’s so stupid, because you begin to fall in love, and believe how the other person is perfect and that they have no flaws, nothing annoys you, and everything is great. That is so bullshit. I like taking things for what they are from the get go. And so when me and the tinder guy started dating I already told him, “hey I know how I function as a single person, but I don’t know how to open up to you and talk you and include you in my life as a person in a relationship. I don’t know how to be with someone WHO I do want in my life”

I know myself as a person to know all this, so I did what I would normally do as someone who still cares about this relationship. I sat down and made a list, of how I work, and what I want in this relationship. To me it’s not fighting it’s conversation on how you can improve together and be on the same page. At the same time, I didn’t want to seem like the SO who is constantly nagging about how things are bothering her. I mean for me, if I chose not to care, I could, that just means that I don’t care about that person at all, because I don’t care about their opinions, and thoughts as well. Which is bad, in a relationship, because that is the first reason why people start drifting.

So now finally after two months, his bubble finally burst and he is seeing the reality of this relationship, and is realizing its not all fun and games, and peaches and cream, or fucking rainbows and butterflies. It’s hard work and effort, you have to be considerate of the other person. You can’t be selfish anymore, you have to plan for two so on and so forth.

This, all I knew, but do I still want to do it, meh, do I think it’s worth trying, as of right now, yea I guess (I’m also very upset because I broke my ALL TIME favourite eeyore mug that I had for more than 10 years ps. I also broke it while I was getting irritated with my bf therefore he is to blame. jk. but really tho). Point is, I want to say I have tried my best in this, so that IF the day comes that I choose to walk away from this, I can say that “hey I gave it my all, so I shouldn’t feel guilty from walking away from something that is not right for me”

I know that the biggest flaw that I have is that, I can not for the life of me, open up to males. I am a HUGE talker, and legit I can not stop, but with guys in my life, they know nothing about me. It’s been wired into me to not trust them, even my guy friends. So when I have a boyfriend, I feel like he should know me, as much as my girlfriends do. Though I know that I still can’t open up to him, but all I ask is for help, I don’t know how he’s suppose to help, but I know on my part I should suck it up and say things to him, but I just don’t feel that he finds the things I say to be interesting or important. And I should also apparently work on my tone of voice, since it comes off as bitchy. Two things for me that I know I should work on.

Point of this spcheel is that, honeymoon phase bubbles. I hate being blinded by it (which to a degree I still was) but not as bad as the average person I know. But I genuinely hate that he’s going through with it now, it’s so nerve wracking knowing that he’s going through and not knowing the outcome of it.

 

 

Story.

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Used and abused.
Do you not know of any consequence.
Tearing though the mind of a young girl
Grimey and gross, filled with guilt
Did i do this? she questions
“don’t speak” she was told
Her justice never found.
Her story never repeated.
He walks. A clear conscious
While she bears the scars
On her wrists
Forever forgotten.
“don’t speak”

 

Scared..

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It’s so scary to like someone, you know wholeheartedly. It’s scary to know there is a person who fits your standards, and to realize your standards weren’t false. It’s scary to think where this could all go. It’s scary to think if this is going to end within a day. It’s scary to try.

After day 1, and after everything that has happened. It’s so weird to meet someone like me but also different. I’m not sure how I feel about him being so similar to me because it’s so strange to say I feel like I like him because he reminds me of me. Isn’t that a little to narcissistic.

I spent four days with this guy and I don’t know how I feel. But somehow I broke down by the second day and told this guy, the first ever male in my life who wasn’t family my deepest darkest secret, that has made me the person I am today. The cynical, distrusting, bitch that I am. One part of me is so glad for the person I have become, but the other always questions what I could have been. After I broke down, so did he. And we both agreed because of the fact we put so much trust and faith into other which we normally wouldn’t have done with someone we barely knew, there had to have been something there. Sunday morning, we were dating, I guess. haha. Neither of us wanted to admit it. But we’re a couple, and I still cringe thinking about it.

But I still for sure know that I’m scared, and probably always will be scared.

 

 

This Again?

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Oh how the tinder world is so bizarre.

Over the Winter Break I somehow found myself re-installing the dreaded tinder app. Yay. I was back in a bigger city and for the first five days I was home, I really wasn’t into meeting with people and talking about how our lives have been. I mean I just spent the last two weeks living in a library studying for finals, it’s not like I’ve been doing much.

But I still went on and still swiped (how much I’m hating myself as I’m writing this) and matched. I don’t really go on to talk to people, I typically do it because I’m bored and wanted to kill time. But that’s a pretty rude thing to say to a person when they are the first to talk.  Continue reading