Friendship?

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Should there be a line in between a guy and a girl’s friendship?
I was always the one to think that it would not happen. I know that there is a time in between the friendship when one gets attracted to the other, and there is no one gender that is prone to falling. But the question is should the other (the one that didn’t fall) continue the friendship if they know?

I don’t even normally keep friendships with guys just because it’s a hassle and it usually ends up with me liking the guy. The only other time I had a good guy friend was when I was with my ex and one of his friends became one of my really good friend, but the thing was the he also had a girlfriend of his own.

I’m not sorry that his girlfriend and my ex couldn’t become as close as us, but I figured because we all had our own relationships there wouldn’t be a problem. No one had a problem beside my ex, he threw a tantrum and my friendship took a beating but we actually stayed friends until I broke up with my ex, got busy with the summer, and then finally left for university. But over the two years we were friends (the first year I wasn’t really together with my ex) I did have a SMALL crush on him, key word being small; but I got over it and we were good.

Nearing the end of my relationship with my ex, there was another guy who was in all my classes and we knew of each other but never really knew each other. He was always there to help but wasn’t always around to be “that nice friend”, he’d comment and flatter me, but I knew he also did that commonly; it was his personality. Even though I was falling out of my relationship I didn’t think of him as a prospect.

Once I finally broke up with my ex me and this guy went on a date and watched a movie. Yes, I did dress up as hot as I can for a movie date, but it ended with a casual ride back and no kiss or anything. And after that I got too busy to see him again and then I left for school.

He did text me later saying that he should’ve kissed me which he didn’t do. The thing is HE’S A GREAT GUY FRIEND!

Then when I was talking to him this year, which is a complete school year later, he told me he had a crush on me (when I was still with my ex). I thanked him for the affection but there wasn’t much I could do since we were miles away and I didn’t really want a long distance relationship.

Since he told me he had a crush on me literally a year ago, I figured he was over it (because if I were in his shoes I would’ve gotten over it by now; I mean it’s just a crush and the person isn’t even in front of you.) He slowly became a good guy friend, where I would ask about what the guys I was talking to thinking, or what I could do, basically guy advice.

We also harmlessly flirted, and called each other bae, if one of us was talking to a guy or girl the other would get jealous but it was all jokes and fun for me. I thought the same for him, but now I’m kind of questioning it. He told me his ex called him and he mentioned me as his girlfriend, and I didn’t really care because the validated reason was that he wanted look like he had his shit together and as long as she didn’t come to kill me I didn’t mind.

So the guy I talked about in my previous post, I talked to my guy friend about, and as a joke he said that he was jealous that we kissed but he did give me helpful advice. So again I took it as a joke, though I do realize I did hold back on calling him bae and shit, I guess it makes sense to why.

Somehow today we came to talk about dreams which started off innocent, then took a turn to how I was always on his mind. Which put me in a halt. I’m again flattered but, should I end this friendship? Is that narcissistic of me? I know that I’m not hot shit, it’s not like he’s always going to be hung over me. So why end the friendship…right?

Then he goes to say, that he can’t even text half the things that run through his mind. Me, being curious and all I asked for two sentences. Let me say, I understand the phrase

“Curiosity killed the cat”

I could not unread what I read.

Here are the bits and pieces of it

“I’ve always wondered how you tasted – not your lips”

“Where you shiver”

“Where you go crazy”

I mean god damn, he sent that 3 hours ago. And I still don’t know what to say to that. We talked about sex and such but never like with each other, the conversation would be follow what I have with my girlfriends, clearly a little different since I’m getting a guy’s perspective as well.
Right now I don’t know how to feel, a part of me wishes that all he wanted was a kiss, so harmless. I don’t question it that I don’t want to sleep with him, but I don’t know what to think continuing this friendship. Would I be overreacting if I cut it?

I just honestly wished I didn’t ask for the betterment of both of us.

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Waiting.

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I’m not sure if I like seeing someone/talking to someone. And I mean like more than just harmless flirting. It’s been a while since I’ve actually invested time into someone.

After meeting a crap ton of crappy guys, a girl knows when to try and when not to. When to be reckless and stupid and when to be patient and smart.

But I also forgot about the nervousness, waiting for texts, the “where are they, what are doing?” questions, the constant need to know more about them.
God I kind of liked it better when I already knew things about the guy (so clearly someone like my ex) but I don’t like any of these feelings at all.

I understand that I did date my ex when I had a younger mentality but even then I didn’t have much of the teenage girl dream that our relationship was going to last forever. But when we were flirting I was the one who would freak out over one text, or that it took him hours to reply. I tried not to care, I really did but it did affect me.

As we did start dating I began to get comfortable and didn’t worry when it did take him hours to reply, or even didn’t, but I guess it was also because I was falling out of it.

So after my ex it’s been over 6 months, and it’s not like I didn’t anyone, it’s just that I didn’t meet anyone that I would’ve liked or to say I didn’t like. And when I don’t like a guy it’s really hard for me to maintain some sort of conversation.

And when there were guys who liked me and was texting/talking to me, I WAS THE SHITTIEST PERSON. I took forever to reply. After my ex I became the absolute worst texter ever, even with my friends. If I felt there was nothing to say, I just didn’t.

As of right now how I feel about waiting for texts etc. has toned itself in comparison to how I dealt with it with my ex, but it is still something that effects. That high school that freaks out and I hate it!
I wish I could not freak out about it, but I still do.

Just why? ):

Over.

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Right now I should be studying for my last two finals, but I’d rather talk about how 8 months flew by and my first year is coming to an end.

It is surprising to see that a school year goes by so fast, and there are people who are counting the years left until they graduate. It’s shocking to see that each day and week go by so fast, but when you take a step back and start counting the months and years it feels like forever.

On top of all of this, in roughly 10 days I will also leave my teen years behind me as I turn twenty. That’s a life changer on it’s own. I mean I know that I was a teenager long ago, at least the mentality of one, but now the last remaining part my age that said it for me is going to change too.

I mean a part of me is really glad that I’m ending a decade of my life but the child in me still wants to live. But as the small person that I am, I don’t think I’m ever going to be taken seriously. I remember a woman thought I was 15. She took off 4 years, that my high school life. She basically threw me back to grade 9. I mean woman, I would be glad if I looked this good in grade 9. jeez.

It is clear that when you’re younger you want to look older, but once you get old, your strive for youth.

Anyway the point to this is that I finished the “grade 9” of university. It was hard and brutal I was not prepared for the education portion, I may have failed. God knows. I fell into dark times, the winter here really drains one’s soul. I had to deal with depressing issues with others which I never encountered until this year. But in light of it all I managed to grow even more, and meet new people, made new friends.

And honestly everything and everyone is ever changing, but in this moment I like it.

Trust.

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Since coming to university I really hated all the guys I have met. Not to be rude, but I just feel they are worse than the males I had to deal with in High School.

So over Easter Break, I broke and finally went on Tinder. I know!
But I did it. I only did it with the thought to boost my self esteem since it’s been months since coming to university and I haven’t met ONE decent guy. I just wanted to shallowly judge men for their looks, no harm in that.

And so forth, I swiped. It was actually really fun at first and I probably kept myself entertained for the weekend. For the record I ONLY swiped, I didn’t feel the need to have interactions with these guys. I mean would I really trust someone whom I have never met.

And so, I come back to Uni and of course I got bored and didn’t want to study so I opened up tinder. Though the level of attractiveness severely dropped once coming to uni (Sorry guys).
I walked over to my friend and told her I broke and got Tinder (she’s in a relationship thus she’s not allowed to have tinder lol).

She took my phone and we both had fun judging guys. Until we came across this guy who was REALLY cute, and I mean after soooooo many no’s he was a definite yes. And again, I repeat I never message any of the guys I match with because frankly I just have too much pride for it and I really don’t trust ever meeting with anyone of these guys.
I think it’s a reasonable concern for a five foot girl to go alone to meet a guy I met on the internet….Let’s be real.

We finished up with our Tinder binge and got over it. I never thought much about it until said guy messaged me. It was a really good conversation. He didn’t seem like an asshole and we had a solid conversation about our lives.

This went on for a couple of days, and to be honest there’s only so much that could be said over messaging, plus messaging on Tinder is a bitch.

So I somehow got convinced into meeting this guy in person and I was freaking out.

One: because I’ve never actually gone a first date with someone whom I did not know completely. Because back in high school, you at least know “of” the guy and his reputation.

Two: He could potentially be a serial killer I wouldn’t know, being cute doesn’t validate he’s not. It’s usually the cute ones that are the killers.

He managed to get my number as well (I’m so weak) and we set a date and time. IT WAS THE MOST WEIRDEST THING.
It was strangely awkward. My oddest worry was the I didn’t look as attractive as my pictures.

Nope, it wasn’t “I hope he likes my personality” it was “I hope I’m pretty enough” I mean really? Really?

We went out, got drinks, had food.
Solid conversation, talking to him felt like I was talking to my bestie. Going through multiple topics not realizing how smoothly the subjects were changing.

The place we went was a small cozy looking bar with really high chairs. No complaints.
They had an exquisite bar! There was a stacks of bottles, frankly it looked really gorgeous. An alcoholic’s dream. The place was dimly lit, a small candle on the small table. I give it to him, he picked a good place.

Once we were finally done staying there, because we did take our sweet time. The sun set and the cold spring air came around. Though it was evident to both of us that we didn’t want to stop talking. Which I found to be a real turn on actually. He made me not want to look at my phone, because he never touched his. Even though I didn’t touch mine (out of respect as well) I didn’t want to. I mean why ruin it.

Thus we both decided to go for a walk. And at this point it was already like two and a half hours into the date.
We walked backed to his car, and he grabbed his jacket and we went for a walk. Continued talking and another hour passed and we slowly made it back to his car. We stood there a second and he asked “did you still want to walk?” but it was more so I just wanted to still keep talking to him. We were hitting the four hour mark on this date.
Do dates last that long?

I said, “I still want to walk. Let’s walk on the train tracks and see where it goes” and that’s what we did even at this point we didn’t know what time it was. So we followed the tracks, it led into some pretty creepy places, but I had a six foot guy beside me, was I still worried? Yup. I still was.

We finally turned around a certain point and walked back to the car, hitting the five hour mark on this date. Which surprised us both. He offered to drive me back to my place (because he actually didn’t pick me up from my place. We met at a plaza which was like 15 mins away from where I was)

So I trusted him, he parked the car and offered to walk me to the bottom of my building. And that awkward moment at the very end of all dates, in movies or in real life. It’s always awkward.
He gave me a polite hug and left with a really dorky exit.

The night went well, and I like the guy, but I barely know him, and I find it so bizarre that this is how people do it. Or this is how they relatively do it. I mean this date was nice, but if you got a really weird ass dude that can just throw off everything.

My honest advice is to never use tinder as a way to meet people. Because I don’t trust it and most likely 9/10 guys wouldn’t end well.

Car rides.

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It was raining, and there is a tradition when it rains.
It’s a bond between a young man and a boy.

“It’s raining!” He yelled as he ran from his room to the kitchen halls. The boy lived in a relatively large house making his screams muffled throughout the rest of the house.

He paces himself as he makes it to the entrance of the kitchen door. Walks in and calmly sits in a chair. “Ravi?” He calls.
The South Eastern man and the end of the kitchen table looks up, interrupted from his conversation with the boy’s mother.
“Yes?” he asks.
“I feel like I want pizza today” the boy tells him with a slight smirk.
“Is that so? Alexander?”

So they got in the car, and in those days the cars weren’t front wheel drive, they were back wheel.
They got in, and sped through the parking lot, a quick break on the manual car, and a swerve to the wheel, the car spun in a circle. Alexander gripped the sides of his chair laughing.

“This is the best Ravi. I love it when it rains.”