Sit, Stare, and Hope.


They walk blindly 

Gazing into the shadows

Streaks of light mirrored by the street lights

They walk 

Blindly, hoping for a better day 

They hold their breath and wish for more

They walk in the dark waiting for the sun

Sit, Stare, and Hope



So I just turned 20 a couple weeks ago. And finally living in an actual building with a bathroom I share with only one person. Trust me that’s something to celebrate when one goes to university.

But now, I actually have responsibilities, such as cleaning the kitchen and bathroom, cooking, sweeping! I mean I’ve done it before at home but my mother would still do it again since I’m shit at cleaning (sorry mommy. I try)

But it’s so strange for a someone like me, a girl who comes from a relatively strict family to walk around at 1am coming back from a friends into a building, pressing an elevator button and putting the keys in the door and stepping in. All the actions I see older women do in movies. Never once did I think I would step into a home where my parents weren’t there.

The other day I also stayed over at my friend’s ( a girl from high school) but we both stayed at her older sister’s place. Her sister’s place looks a lot less like an undergraduate’s home, but what a real adult would live in. But just then, when I walked in was when I realized that in 5 years or so, this is where I’d be too. And then another 5 years go by then I’d be 30.

I literally turned 20 two weeks ago and here I am thinking about a decade into the future!

There’s this whole new wave of independence that I feel bittersweet about.

Does anyone else feel like this in the twenties?

Needles for Friendship


I finafuckingly convinced my bestie to get a piercing. It’s the idea of commemorating our friendship. Now that I’m finally living out of residence, I’m literally living 3 minutes from her building. And in over 2 years I’ve never seen that girl consecutively, until this year of course.

It’s so nice to have her around now, we’ve legit been acting like a married couple for the first week.
I cooked dinner, she cleaned the dishes, we’d go for dinner, grocery shopped together, the whole shebang. And I just quickly thought to myself, if this is what you do with your boyfriend when you live together I’d totally love it. It’s so cute!

Anyways back to the point of this quick post. My bestie is uptight. She won’t admit it but she is. In all honesty she has her life together while I’m a hot mess (which I’m okay with – for now at least). But she doesn’t have any piercings besides the first lobes. Where as I have Four on each ear, two in other places of my body and three tattoos. So I can say I’ve had my fair share of needles.

Because she’s such a wuss I finally somehow convinced her to get a matching piercing with me. And this is what we decided on maxresdefault

Since I already had the first of the two, I got my second one while she got the first one (Which is the one closer to the tragus) and we’re planning to go again and when she gets her second one I’m going to get my hip piercing done. So in actuality we’re getting two matching piercings, and I must say it does look cute on her since she has nothing else.

Happy 6 Years of Friendship Besite ❤

Doubts : Good or Bad


Is it bad to have doubts?

I’m acting liked a scorned woman and the thing is, I have never been scorned before (by a man). But here I am, second guessing everything and not wanting to actually like this guy.

My mind is literally split into two.

One side is saying

“Yea, he likes you”

And the other side is saying

“How are you so sure? What if his end goal was sex? He’s already got that. What more is there? A relationship? Hah.”

Which I have to admit is true. Sex is the epitome of what people want. I mean relationships are meant for the emotional connection, but let’s be real. Sex is good, and if you can have it, why deny it?

BUT. That’s also why the tip is to not give it up until both parties are relatively invested. I can’t say I regret anything, because for the moment it was good. And I’ve learned to not expect much from the get go, it’s the easiest way to be disappointed, but it’s also the easiest way to lose one’s sense of romance. I wish there was a perfect blend of looking through rose tinted glasses and live that fairy-tale life, but also have your expectations and desires in check. That would make life way too easy.

Anyways, the last time I saw Tinder guy was on my birthday, so it’s been almost two weeks soon. CONVINIENTLY his phone is working so we now resorted to messaging on tinder again, and SUPPOSEDLY his work schedule is all fucked up and he’s endlessly busy.

But the thing is were still talking though it has died down considerably since the switch, but he wanted to see me tonight quick before he left for his birthday thing, but I turned it down since I was going to go out and to me there is no point to squish in a meet up. We’re not meeting up to talk about some business project, we see each other for the company, so why rush it? Just so he can say he saw my face?

I’m not mad though, I think I lost my nerves and the sense of “do I care” I mean I still like the guy. But I feel like I didn’t see him enough times to be so invested that if this fell apart I’m not going to be too hurt. Does that make me seem heartless? $:

I understand that because I was also consensual to the sex I can’t be mad that he “took” that from me. I can’t be pissed at him if his phone broke, and I can’t be upset if he’s busy with work and ends late, I’m a student and he’s not. It’s just the circumstances that we’re in. I want to say that I’m understanding but I’m questioning if I truly am understanding or if I already gave up.

~ Cheers Guys.

Birthday >< Sex


For someone who had a light bet with her bestie for “the least amount of sexual relations” I just broke it and started losing.

Fucking Tinder Guy somehow got me to have birthday sex! I mean why the hell didn’t I do this with my own boyfriend!

The worst thing is, I was with my bestie drinking before he came, and she clearly asked

When are you going to have sex with “Tinder Guy”?
In like three months?

When she asked me, it seemed right to say yea that seems about right.

Then two hours later, there I am riding this giant of a man. I mean why the hell did I stop. It’s been so long I forgot how good it was.

Though I do feel bad for my roommates, I moved in less than 3 hours and I’m already christening my bed.
I do feel A LITTLE ashamed, because it’s literally the third date. And a couple weeks ago I was watching Grey’s Anatomy and Miranda was freaking out because she was just about to have her third date and the third date is “sex date” and she was determined not to have it. I always related to Miranda, except for this moment. I’m sorry Miranda I let you down.

Birthday sex was good though, and I’m glad I was prepared for it. But now that sex is in play how do I get to know more about this guy?

I revise my previous statement. Adulthood is damn well pleasant.



From when I was young I validated the relationship I had with my parents with our birthdays.

I was suppose to be an April baby, but I stayed until the 3rd of May.

I’m proud if baby me. Why? Because now every other day is a birthday.

Mother : May 1st
Me : May 3rd
Father : May 5th

Clearly my little sister of 8 is quite jealous since her birthday is in August.

Back to the point, I always loved the first week of May because of all our birthdays. There’d be endless “happy birthday” phone calls, early,present,and belated.
There would be a crap ton of cake and smiles.

So how is it that this is the first year my parents get into a fight trying to plan a birthday celebration.

The whipped cream on all this is that I have bitter aunt whose birthday is today and would be spiteful if I didn’t wish her. Then hypocrisy hits when her own daughter doesn’t wish my mother.

And finally the cherry on top :
The year I turn 20 leaving my childhood years behind. Leaving the “teen” in nineteen I have to pack again and move for school.

Great way to start adulthood. A brilliant first impression of what it means to grow up.