This semester has been the most difficult semester of my 2 years here. I have been so scattered brained, and lost, and confused on what I have to do. Even though I spent all of last semester working on my study, time and organizational skills, and yet here I am lost as ever.

Though after looking at my schedule over the winter break I told myself that I was going to start working out again. Though it was more going to be cardio based, and to do insanity which is what I used to do. But after getting so overwhelming stressed, and the urge to squat properly I accompanied my friend to the gym (which I am also scared shitless to go alone since I am a tiny person I just feel even small at the gym).

After pushing myself so hard, which in the beginning I thought I can only do 90lbs total, meaning the bar is  45lb and putting roughly 20-25lbs on each side. Which is nothing to how much I ended up doing. Which within two weeks was 45lb bar with a plate (45lb) on each side which is a total of 135lb total. Never in my life did I think I could manage that.

And from the start of February I have been going at least two to three times a week, and have been doing insanity at home. And I’ve gotten back to working out 5 days a week, which makes me so happy, since it de-stresses me so much, and having a long term goal, and having many short term goals that aren’t school related is so relieving on the soul.

For me, my three goals are to hit by the end of the semester

2 plate deadlifts
2 plate squats
and 300lbs on leg press



The reason why I have low expectation of people is that I don’t like letting myself get disappointed. That’s also the reason why I don’t believe in the honeymoon phase and living in a bubble with my SO.

To me it’s so stupid, because you begin to fall in love, and believe how the other person is perfect and that they have no flaws, nothing annoys you, and everything is great. That is so bullshit. I like taking things for what they are from the get go. And so when me and the tinder guy started dating I already told him, “hey I know how I function as a single person, but I don’t know how to open up to you and talk you and include you in my life as a person in a relationship. I don’t know how to be with someone WHO I do want in my life”

I know myself as a person to know all this, so I did what I would normally do as someone who still cares about this relationship. I sat down and made a list, of how I work, and what I want in this relationship. To me it’s not fighting it’s conversation on how you can improve together and be on the same page. At the same time, I didn’t want to seem like the SO who is constantly nagging about how things are bothering her. I mean for me, if I chose not to care, I could, that just means that I don’t care about that person at all, because I don’t care about their opinions, and thoughts as well. Which is bad, in a relationship, because that is the first reason why people start drifting.

So now finally after two months, his bubble finally burst and he is seeing the reality of this relationship, and is realizing its not all fun and games, and peaches and cream, or fucking rainbows and butterflies. It’s hard work and effort, you have to be considerate of the other person. You can’t be selfish anymore, you have to plan for two so on and so forth.

This, all I knew, but do I still want to do it, meh, do I think it’s worth trying, as of right now, yea I guess (I’m also very upset because I broke my ALL TIME favourite eeyore mug that I had for more than 10 years ps. I also broke it while I was getting irritated with my bf therefore he is to blame. jk. but really tho). Point is, I want to say I have tried my best in this, so that IF the day comes that I choose to walk away from this, I can say that “hey I gave it my all, so I shouldn’t feel guilty from walking away from something that is not right for me”

I know that the biggest flaw that I have is that, I can not for the life of me, open up to males. I am a HUGE talker, and legit I can not stop, but with guys in my life, they know nothing about me. It’s been wired into me to not trust them, even my guy friends. So when I have a boyfriend, I feel like he should know me, as much as my girlfriends do. Though I know that I still can’t open up to him, but all I ask is for help, I don’t know how he’s suppose to help, but I know on my part I should suck it up and say things to him, but I just don’t feel that he finds the things I say to be interesting or important. And I should also apparently work on my tone of voice, since it comes off as bitchy. Two things for me that I know I should work on.

Point of this spcheel is that, honeymoon phase bubbles. I hate being blinded by it (which to a degree I still was) but not as bad as the average person I know. But I genuinely hate that he’s going through with it now, it’s so nerve wracking knowing that he’s going through and not knowing the outcome of it.