Options.

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So while I was back home for the weekend, we had girl’s night.
We were going out for a friend’s birthday. The thing was none of us could figure out what to do. We knew we didn’t want to go clubbing and we did like the idea of a bar, but then dinner was the issue.
To have dinner before a bar, or to eat at the first bar. Then, hold up, which bar are we going to? That in itself was a dilemma.

So we finally came to a consensus. We were going to eat at the first bar, near a particular subway station because it had a lot of bars nearby. Which goes into the fact that we were barhopping that night.

I thought bartenders hitting on you was a very movie-esque thing to happen. But apparently it does happen in real life and it took me by surprise. Especially for someone in a relationship, you just tend to think that you won’t get hit on anymore.

So there we were in the first bar of the night. It was a very odd day, the weather was gloomy but there was enough sun out to keep the skies bright while there was a spattering of rain. People were very confused whether to use umbrellas or not.
We walk in; the bar was relatively empty at this point. But you can see it slowly picking up its pace. Since it wasn’t too busy yet, the bartender has to come and wait us as well. He starts off and I slowly realized he’s very sarcastic and sassy. Which is given that I love.

For a glimpse my mind was totally swimming in the thought of unfamiliarity. I always preferred to have sense of closeness to a person before I slept with them. I especially don’t want to ever get drunk to the point that a guy I’m not into when sober, but I somehow sleep with him and obviously regret it. But this guy’s charm got to me, and I was tipsy enough to talk more but still sober enough to get flustered. Then the more he charmed me, I was just sitting there in this bar stool and he put his hand on my shoulder and my body just got chills.

This was different from dancing with someone at a club. You’re so caught into the music and dance that any touch means absolutely nothing. Because you’re touching everyone! You have to stop people from touching too much. Haha.

So my mind raced and it just imagined his hands on my bare skin. My waist. My neck, holding my cheek, going for a kiss. And he has those rocker hands, where they have rough fingers. And you can feel it while his hands moves over you. I’m so used to weightlifting hands where the roughness around the palm. He was the perfect height to kiss without being on my toes, and close enough to feel his scruff. His body lean with a good amount of muscle. He wore his brown curly hair in a bun with sunglasses acting like a head band. His brown eyes with his baby face hidden under an effortless beard. That rushing sense of exciting and new gets me bothered for a bit. I wonder how it would be to get with a guitar player (which he is) also in a band. He did elude a very band like sense of style.

Ugh. Long story short haha. It is nice to think about how it might be to explore other options, because the world is vast, and we are all curious at least I know I am. But it is also smart to be happy with what you have already which I am very grateful for despite all the hard work that it entails. It is a lot of emotional pressure, and mental stress but through it all I know I am happy even though I don’t feel it constantly.

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Bubble.

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The reason why I have low expectation of people is that I don’t like letting myself get disappointed. That’s also the reason why I don’t believe in the honeymoon phase and living in a bubble with my SO.

To me it’s so stupid, because you begin to fall in love, and believe how the other person is perfect and that they have no flaws, nothing annoys you, and everything is great. That is so bullshit. I like taking things for what they are from the get go. And so when me and the tinder guy started dating I already told him, “hey I know how I function as a single person, but I don’t know how to open up to you and talk you and include you in my life as a person in a relationship. I don’t know how to be with someone WHO I do want in my life”

I know myself as a person to know all this, so I did what I would normally do as someone who still cares about this relationship. I sat down and made a list, of how I work, and what I want in this relationship. To me it’s not fighting it’s conversation on how you can improve together and be on the same page. At the same time, I didn’t want to seem like the SO who is constantly nagging about how things are bothering her. I mean for me, if I chose not to care, I could, that just means that I don’t care about that person at all, because I don’t care about their opinions, and thoughts as well. Which is bad, in a relationship, because that is the first reason why people start drifting.

So now finally after two months, his bubble finally burst and he is seeing the reality of this relationship, and is realizing its not all fun and games, and peaches and cream, or fucking rainbows and butterflies. It’s hard work and effort, you have to be considerate of the other person. You can’t be selfish anymore, you have to plan for two so on and so forth.

This, all I knew, but do I still want to do it, meh, do I think it’s worth trying, as of right now, yea I guess (I’m also very upset because I broke my ALL TIME favourite eeyore mug that I had for more than 10 years ps. I also broke it while I was getting irritated with my bf therefore he is to blame. jk. but really tho). Point is, I want to say I have tried my best in this, so that IF the day comes that I choose to walk away from this, I can say that “hey I gave it my all, so I shouldn’t feel guilty from walking away from something that is not right for me”

I know that the biggest flaw that I have is that, I can not for the life of me, open up to males. I am a HUGE talker, and legit I can not stop, but with guys in my life, they know nothing about me. It’s been wired into me to not trust them, even my guy friends. So when I have a boyfriend, I feel like he should know me, as much as my girlfriends do. Though I know that I still can’t open up to him, but all I ask is for help, I don’t know how he’s suppose to help, but I know on my part I should suck it up and say things to him, but I just don’t feel that he finds the things I say to be interesting or important. And I should also apparently work on my tone of voice, since it comes off as bitchy. Two things for me that I know I should work on.

Point of this spcheel is that, honeymoon phase bubbles. I hate being blinded by it (which to a degree I still was) but not as bad as the average person I know. But I genuinely hate that he’s going through with it now, it’s so nerve wracking knowing that he’s going through and not knowing the outcome of it.

 

 

Friendship?

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Should there be a line in between a guy and a girl’s friendship?
I was always the one to think that it would not happen. I know that there is a time in between the friendship when one gets attracted to the other, and there is no one gender that is prone to falling. But the question is should the other (the one that didn’t fall) continue the friendship if they know?

I don’t even normally keep friendships with guys just because it’s a hassle and it usually ends up with me liking the guy. The only other time I had a good guy friend was when I was with my ex and one of his friends became one of my really good friend, but the thing was the he also had a girlfriend of his own.

I’m not sorry that his girlfriend and my ex couldn’t become as close as us, but I figured because we all had our own relationships there wouldn’t be a problem. No one had a problem beside my ex, he threw a tantrum and my friendship took a beating but we actually stayed friends until I broke up with my ex, got busy with the summer, and then finally left for university. But over the two years we were friends (the first year I wasn’t really together with my ex) I did have a SMALL crush on him, key word being small; but I got over it and we were good.

Nearing the end of my relationship with my ex, there was another guy who was in all my classes and we knew of each other but never really knew each other. He was always there to help but wasn’t always around to be “that nice friend”, he’d comment and flatter me, but I knew he also did that commonly; it was his personality. Even though I was falling out of my relationship I didn’t think of him as a prospect.

Once I finally broke up with my ex me and this guy went on a date and watched a movie. Yes, I did dress up as hot as I can for a movie date, but it ended with a casual ride back and no kiss or anything. And after that I got too busy to see him again and then I left for school.

He did text me later saying that he should’ve kissed me which he didn’t do. The thing is HE’S A GREAT GUY FRIEND!

Then when I was talking to him this year, which is a complete school year later, he told me he had a crush on me (when I was still with my ex). I thanked him for the affection but there wasn’t much I could do since we were miles away and I didn’t really want a long distance relationship.

Since he told me he had a crush on me literally a year ago, I figured he was over it (because if I were in his shoes I would’ve gotten over it by now; I mean it’s just a crush and the person isn’t even in front of you.) He slowly became a good guy friend, where I would ask about what the guys I was talking to thinking, or what I could do, basically guy advice.

We also harmlessly flirted, and called each other bae, if one of us was talking to a guy or girl the other would get jealous but it was all jokes and fun for me. I thought the same for him, but now I’m kind of questioning it. He told me his ex called him and he mentioned me as his girlfriend, and I didn’t really care because the validated reason was that he wanted look like he had his shit together and as long as she didn’t come to kill me I didn’t mind.

So the guy I talked about in my previous post, I talked to my guy friend about, and as a joke he said that he was jealous that we kissed but he did give me helpful advice. So again I took it as a joke, though I do realize I did hold back on calling him bae and shit, I guess it makes sense to why.

Somehow today we came to talk about dreams which started off innocent, then took a turn to how I was always on his mind. Which put me in a halt. I’m again flattered but, should I end this friendship? Is that narcissistic of me? I know that I’m not hot shit, it’s not like he’s always going to be hung over me. So why end the friendship…right?

Then he goes to say, that he can’t even text half the things that run through his mind. Me, being curious and all I asked for two sentences. Let me say, I understand the phrase

“Curiosity killed the cat”

I could not unread what I read.

Here are the bits and pieces of it

“I’ve always wondered how you tasted – not your lips”

“Where you shiver”

“Where you go crazy”

I mean god damn, he sent that 3 hours ago. And I still don’t know what to say to that. We talked about sex and such but never like with each other, the conversation would be follow what I have with my girlfriends, clearly a little different since I’m getting a guy’s perspective as well.
Right now I don’t know how to feel, a part of me wishes that all he wanted was a kiss, so harmless. I don’t question it that I don’t want to sleep with him, but I don’t know what to think continuing this friendship. Would I be overreacting if I cut it?

I just honestly wished I didn’t ask for the betterment of both of us.