Packing.

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I’m basically leaving home.

Okay, it may be for university BUT!

1) as a female

AND

2) as a child from a South Asian family

this occurrence does not happen very often, and when it does it’s under great surveillance.

I’m counting down the days of course, and I’m at 9 days left. I feel really excited, obviously, because my freedom levels went from a 3 or a 4 to a 10+++++. I can’t deny that my parents have been pretty chill over the years, even when I screwed up pretty bad. There was a point in time that I thought my mom had no mercy, but I soon realized that was not the case. Though I don’t think she would forgive me if I ever came home with a child when I wasn’t married.

Back to the matter at hand. PACKING.

Damn!

I never really had the experience of packing for more than a week. There are so many different emotions that one goes through. And I think for females it’s just hell. The paranoia of leaving things, the fear of packing too much, the fear of packing too little, thinking of every situation where you might need a certain item…so on so forth.

On top of this misery for me, I’m also in the midst of packing to move houses, so basically I have two separate boxes of clothes, items etc. you know because I wasn’t being tortured already.

So I don’t think the reality has still hit me yet, I am excited I’m leaving but I haven’t grasped the fact that everything will be different and continue to stay different for the next 5 years of my life. And that it’s basically a new start. There’s no running back home because you’re scared or can’t handle the pressure.

There are moments where I wish I can go back to being four, then there are moments where I’m glad the age I am.

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Awkward.

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The moment you end something, is it right to go back to it?

In my case, a relationship, once it’s done is it really over?

My rational thought is that yea, you know, we ended it for a reason. But then once it’s over there’s all this regret and embarrassment that is accompanied by the break up.

In order to avoid all those emotions you basically run away from the other person, but I swear there is that dreaded day where you accidentally run into that person. And OH GOD does it suck, whether your’e the dumpee or the dumper you just don’t want to run into that person (well in my opinion at least)

The thing is that in front of the other person you wanna look cooler, and I mean by A LOT.

You want to seem that life is way better without them in it, you want to show them they didn’t mean as much as they thought they meant to you. But alas here you are, same old same old.

You were quite the same before they met you and here you are still quite the same after. Yes they may have changed you a little but sadly you’re still you.

The point I’m trying to make is that, just today I had a little run in with an ex, and I thank all the seven gods that we didn’t talk nor look into each other’s eyes.

It was a simple pass by but even that was just too unbearable for me.

Maybe it was because I’m not really an affectionate person and once ties have been cut they’re cut. Or there is that little bit of guilt dumping the person, or hell maybe I just hate the guy (which I think I do…just a little)

But of course we knew the other person was in our vicinity and that awkward head turn where you aren’t directly looking at the person but trying your damn best with your peripheral vision. And I need glasses!

So there I was at first squinting to see if it was actually him! I’m still not sure if it was him that I saw, but I have too much pride to get caught staring. When I had a thought that it just MIGHT be him I looked straight ahead and tried my best not to turn again, which I think I succeeded in.

But those situations are the bane of my existence.