Fireflies.

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We were running through what seemed to be the forest. I didn’t know who I was with, but I saw a girl. Thin, frail, nothing like me. Her long hair was getting caught between the branches; she was covered in splinters and scratches, but I figured with the adrenaline pumping through us she probably didn’t feel any of the stings.

I couldn’t feel them either.

Something flashed the light in her hand, blinded me for a second. I stumbled. ‘Shit’ I thought. I chased behind her trying to see what it was. A mason jar? I think.

I looked down in my hands, and I was holding the same thing. ‘What are we doing?’ I questioned. ‘What the actual fuck are we doing?’

I was covered in scratches too, but my hair was short and tied up. My clothes were torn but still wearable, not like I had anyone to impress. But I couldn’t seem to understand what we were doing.

I looked around to see where this girl went, just to fumble over her, crashing into the ground. “Ugh” I scraped my knee I can feel the fresh wound blistering over the rest of my scratches. I sat up and saw the girl finding small twigs and leaves to fill her jar. There was a small dot glowing in hers. A firefly?

“Hurry up.” She said without looking at me. “Make yours strong.”

“O-okay.” I responded not knowing what the hell she was talking about. I just followed her lead and filled mine with rocks and dirt as well. But the more I picked up random things to put in the more I actually inspected them and decided to only put the best kinds of rocks and leaves in my jar. My jar only deserved the best.

Soon enough at the bottom of my jar there was a level layer of soil, with small pebbles on top, with a perfect array of colorful leaves and sturdy pieces of twigs. I fastened the top of my jar and got up to run again. I wasn’t sure if anything was chasing us at this point, but I knew I had to run, I had to run away and forward if I wanted the best for myself. I don’t know was is considered to be the best for me, but I knew I had to follow beside the girl and I needed fireflies. I needed four of them.

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Friendship?

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Should there be a line in between a guy and a girl’s friendship?
I was always the one to think that it would not happen. I know that there is a time in between the friendship when one gets attracted to the other, and there is no one gender that is prone to falling. But the question is should the other (the one that didn’t fall) continue the friendship if they know?

I don’t even normally keep friendships with guys just because it’s a hassle and it usually ends up with me liking the guy. The only other time I had a good guy friend was when I was with my ex and one of his friends became one of my really good friend, but the thing was the he also had a girlfriend of his own.

I’m not sorry that his girlfriend and my ex couldn’t become as close as us, but I figured because we all had our own relationships there wouldn’t be a problem. No one had a problem beside my ex, he threw a tantrum and my friendship took a beating but we actually stayed friends until I broke up with my ex, got busy with the summer, and then finally left for university. But over the two years we were friends (the first year I wasn’t really together with my ex) I did have a SMALL crush on him, key word being small; but I got over it and we were good.

Nearing the end of my relationship with my ex, there was another guy who was in all my classes and we knew of each other but never really knew each other. He was always there to help but wasn’t always around to be “that nice friend”, he’d comment and flatter me, but I knew he also did that commonly; it was his personality. Even though I was falling out of my relationship I didn’t think of him as a prospect.

Once I finally broke up with my ex me and this guy went on a date and watched a movie. Yes, I did dress up as hot as I can for a movie date, but it ended with a casual ride back and no kiss or anything. And after that I got too busy to see him again and then I left for school.

He did text me later saying that he should’ve kissed me which he didn’t do. The thing is HE’S A GREAT GUY FRIEND!

Then when I was talking to him this year, which is a complete school year later, he told me he had a crush on me (when I was still with my ex). I thanked him for the affection but there wasn’t much I could do since we were miles away and I didn’t really want a long distance relationship.

Since he told me he had a crush on me literally a year ago, I figured he was over it (because if I were in his shoes I would’ve gotten over it by now; I mean it’s just a crush and the person isn’t even in front of you.) He slowly became a good guy friend, where I would ask about what the guys I was talking to thinking, or what I could do, basically guy advice.

We also harmlessly flirted, and called each other bae, if one of us was talking to a guy or girl the other would get jealous but it was all jokes and fun for me. I thought the same for him, but now I’m kind of questioning it. He told me his ex called him and he mentioned me as his girlfriend, and I didn’t really care because the validated reason was that he wanted look like he had his shit together and as long as she didn’t come to kill me I didn’t mind.

So the guy I talked about in my previous post, I talked to my guy friend about, and as a joke he said that he was jealous that we kissed but he did give me helpful advice. So again I took it as a joke, though I do realize I did hold back on calling him bae and shit, I guess it makes sense to why.

Somehow today we came to talk about dreams which started off innocent, then took a turn to how I was always on his mind. Which put me in a halt. I’m again flattered but, should I end this friendship? Is that narcissistic of me? I know that I’m not hot shit, it’s not like he’s always going to be hung over me. So why end the friendship…right?

Then he goes to say, that he can’t even text half the things that run through his mind. Me, being curious and all I asked for two sentences. Let me say, I understand the phrase

“Curiosity killed the cat”

I could not unread what I read.

Here are the bits and pieces of it

“I’ve always wondered how you tasted – not your lips”

“Where you shiver”

“Where you go crazy”

I mean god damn, he sent that 3 hours ago. And I still don’t know what to say to that. We talked about sex and such but never like with each other, the conversation would be follow what I have with my girlfriends, clearly a little different since I’m getting a guy’s perspective as well.
Right now I don’t know how to feel, a part of me wishes that all he wanted was a kiss, so harmless. I don’t question it that I don’t want to sleep with him, but I don’t know what to think continuing this friendship. Would I be overreacting if I cut it?

I just honestly wished I didn’t ask for the betterment of both of us.

Read, But Don’t Reply

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When I saw him, leaning against the railing. He had a meeting he said before he left this morning.

For a man who wears a snapback because he doesn’t want to fix his shaggy dark hair in the morning, and usually leaves his scruff for a couple days, with a t-shirt and jeans, he cleaned up so well.

Crisp button down that slides into his dress pants, held by the leather belt with a silver rectangular buckle. Sleeves rolled up around his forearms, exposing his metallic watch. His hair was perfectly combed over and his bread was just the right length.

He stood there, staring out the window. A woman walks up beside him, and casually leans on the railing, too close, for my comfort at least.

They exchanged words, well he did, she was obviously flirting.
I hated her and he knew it.

“We can redo it at my place?” Was all I can make out from her lips. I inched closer.
“I’ll figure it out somehow” he replied.
Well said! I smiled.

Now or never. I smoothed out my skirt and dropped my gym bag behind the wall so they couldn’t see it.

My strut was heard, with each step my heels clicked. He looked up from talking to her and she swerved her head around, her ombred hair twirling with length.

“Hey” I smiled. He returned one to me.
“Hey” he whispered, “give us a moment” he told her. I saw her face drop. She nodded, glanced a glare at me and walked in. I smirked, love it when I get a win.

“What are you doing here?” he asked. I held out his folder, assuming it was his notes on today’s meeting. He smiled, “You’re the best!”
“I know” I said with a shrug.
“Thought you were suppose to be at the gym today” he questioned.
“See. I was, but I saw that you left that behind this morning so I decided to drop it off, good thing I did” I looked back into the room, nudging my head at the woman.
He smiled, “Well I did say no.”
“I’m sure you did”
“And you’re clothes?” he looked at my nicely fitted white blouse that was tucked into my navy pencil skirt.
I laughed, “My bag is literally around the corner, had to fold these extra carefully.” He followed my laugh and kissed my forehead. “I’ll see you back at home” he mumbled on head.
“You better hurry” I said with a wink. “Oh, and check your phone in a bit.” My heels clicking again as I walked off.

His phone buzzes. He glances at it mid presentation. He stopped talking. “One second.” Grabbed his phone and steps aside astounded by the text.

Placing his phone down he resumes his presentation, which he executed perfectly. There was motivation behind his performance.

The moment the meeting was over, he grabbed all his things threw it into his bag and hurried out the door waiting for what was home.

Drunk Words ; Sober Thoughts.

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House parties are fun. I quite enjoy them, they aren’t too crowded, by the end of the night you tend to make a friend, and usually you don’t get felt up by some dude (unless you want it.)

Tonight, I was suppose to go to a house party and things all flopped.
Then I came to realize sometimes I don’t like going out and meeting new people, I like bonding with the ones who are already close to me. So tonight ended up being me, my bestie, and my two friends on my floor. I don’t know what happened but, I really liked the whole experience.
Usually me and my bestie are the ones to stay up until god knows how long and just talk about stuff, and we haven’t done that in so long that I was okay not going anywhere.

At first we were two sober for the other two girls who mean a lot to me. Barely into it, we were just as bad as them. And thus a lot of drunk words, with a lot of sober thoughts.

The night finally ended in a circle of lifting shirts, more talks with my bestie, a walk through the snow, and a long night of sleep.

Damn.

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This is coming from a short brown girl. Who’s believed her whole life that no Asian man of any sort would find a brown girl attractive.
I may be delusional or perhaps drunk (let’s be real that’s when these things happen) but tonight has been the second night in uni that an Asian guy has willingly made-out with me.

Though I think tonight would’ve gone further IF I have let it, but I didn’t.

I don’t know, I’m a girl who comes from Toronto, the most multicultural city in Toronto and I’m still having a hard trim adjusting to the fact that I can be liked by other ethnicity. I’m not sure if that is racist, because I am down playing myself here, but it is mind boggling that I do appeal to men.

Food for thought I guess.

John Doe.

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First off, there are far too many titles for this post.
Saturday night was both pleasant and hell for me.

By this point in the day I don’t think I even remember anything of what happened last night. I do know that after getting two of my girls back to our floor I had a great time.

So, to start:

4/6 girls wanted to get, and quote shitfaced

and from the moment they said they wanted to do that, I knew. I knew it was going to get bad.

So they all had their shots, one too many in my opinion. One girl’s friends came which were three other guys and another girl, though she really didn’t seem to fit the “partying” look. Anyways one of the girls on my floor ended up going with them to look for a party and that was the end of that because we lost her to them.

We didn’t really trust those guys who came so we stayed back, but by the time we we to go get her too, they already left.

By this point there was me, my friend (who was well buzzed), and girl drunk and missing her ex boyfriend in another country, and a really drunk couple. God help me.

We decided well we got drunk tonight, were gonna find a party to. Which didn’t go so well since we didn’t even make it on to the main roads.

After some 1 2 3’s, and bloody knees, we made it to the last building before that rapture began. 

Me and my friend took everyone inside the building just so people can freshen up, become a little less drunk but that didn’t work. Eventually the boyfriend of the couple and the lonely girl started to hurl, and the girlfriend was walking about aimlessly. She on the other hand though, normally is quite monotone and harsh, but after being intoxicated she becomes so nice and loving. It was quite a sight.
After I took care of the boyfriend, and my friend took care of the girls we decided to head back to our floor, since the tears started to roll in. The lonely girl wanted to call her ex and because he didn’t pick up she started to wallow. Seeing her get all upset, the girlfriend started to cry for her.
After that, we all decided it was best to head home.

Once me and my partner in crime finally took the girls and the boyfriend back to our floor. We ran.

Finally we can talk about how I met John Doe.

So we basically ran down the street roughly at 11:30pm for 20 minutes. Yes. 20 minutes and drunk while at it. JUST BECAUSE supposedly there was this really cute white boy there and he was going to leave at any minute. When we finally got there I was too floored to see my friend that I disregarded the friend that I came with and the supposedly cute why boy.

Right after I came my friend pulled me aside just to tell me not to make out with this guy because he was such a douche bag. But of course I listened; and the moment I stepped out of the bathroom (all serious girl talks happen in the bathroom) there’s four more guys walking around in the living room.

After doing some quick intros around the room, I met everyone, the supposedly cute white guy, his gay friend, the four other guys from the building as well.

Then there was the splashes of beer in cups, and my team losing. John Doe and I lost  our game. The punishment: the naked run. John Doe being a sweetheart got a replacement for me, even though I didn’t mind.

More shots, and talk, sitting on laps, and eating cake. Being lifted to the sky, touching the ceiling tops, hide outs in bathrooms, and a good bye kiss.

He became too drunk and fell asleep in his room. Some while later when he came out I said my goodbye. He leaned in for the kiss and yes. We kissed.

I stayed the night, a floor above him, while my friend/partner in crime walked back home. She did have a friend who walked her back, 20 minutes there and 20 minutes back.

A guy who liked me from six months ago, apparently still liked me; and yes he was at the party. I saw him as a friend.
Maybe the alcohol opened him to a stranger, but he told he needed to walk my friend home just so he can get away.
Though I feel bad, nothing happened and six months did pass.

John Doe, I gave him my number, but I’m quite sure that I entered it in wrong. Sadly not on purpose.

So the two options of the night. 
1. He liked me and texted me and it went to no one. 
2. He didn’t like me and chose not to text me 

Sadly, I will not know. 

 

What?

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It’s now 4:36am, after a long night of barely stupid fun I’m staring at an adidas baseball cap in my room.

What?

Exactly.

I don’t think I understood the concept of when there was a boy of Asian culture lying in my bed refusing to leave. It may be the fact that I don’t think that both an asian boy and a brown girl can ever spend time in that manner. I have seen multiple asian girl with brown guy combo but never vice versa.
So after everything (briefly holding hands, him sleeping in my bed, THEN just getting up and leaving!) I really don’t know what’s happening since I went to go give him his hat in the first place. Then he followed me into MY room and slept, that occured twice and then he got up and left.

and now I’m staring at an adidas baseball cap in my room.