Options.

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So while I was back home for the weekend, we had girl’s night.
We were going out for a friend’s birthday. The thing was none of us could figure out what to do. We knew we didn’t want to go clubbing and we did like the idea of a bar, but then dinner was the issue.
To have dinner before a bar, or to eat at the first bar. Then, hold up, which bar are we going to? That in itself was a dilemma.

So we finally came to a consensus. We were going to eat at the first bar, near a particular subway station because it had a lot of bars nearby. Which goes into the fact that we were barhopping that night.

I thought bartenders hitting on you was a very movie-esque thing to happen. But apparently it does happen in real life and it took me by surprise. Especially for someone in a relationship, you just tend to think that you won’t get hit on anymore.

So there we were in the first bar of the night. It was a very odd day, the weather was gloomy but there was enough sun out to keep the skies bright while there was a spattering of rain. People were very confused whether to use umbrellas or not.
We walk in; the bar was relatively empty at this point. But you can see it slowly picking up its pace. Since it wasn’t too busy yet, the bartender has to come and wait us as well. He starts off and I slowly realized he’s very sarcastic and sassy. Which is given that I love.

For a glimpse my mind was totally swimming in the thought of unfamiliarity. I always preferred to have sense of closeness to a person before I slept with them. I especially don’t want to ever get drunk to the point that a guy I’m not into when sober, but I somehow sleep with him and obviously regret it. But this guy’s charm got to me, and I was tipsy enough to talk more but still sober enough to get flustered. Then the more he charmed me, I was just sitting there in this bar stool and he put his hand on my shoulder and my body just got chills.

This was different from dancing with someone at a club. You’re so caught into the music and dance that any touch means absolutely nothing. Because you’re touching everyone! You have to stop people from touching too much. Haha.

So my mind raced and it just imagined his hands on my bare skin. My waist. My neck, holding my cheek, going for a kiss. And he has those rocker hands, where they have rough fingers. And you can feel it while his hands moves over you. I’m so used to weightlifting hands where the roughness around the palm. He was the perfect height to kiss without being on my toes, and close enough to feel his scruff. His body lean with a good amount of muscle. He wore his brown curly hair in a bun with sunglasses acting like a head band. His brown eyes with his baby face hidden under an effortless beard. That rushing sense of exciting and new gets me bothered for a bit. I wonder how it would be to get with a guitar player (which he is) also in a band. He did elude a very band like sense of style.

Ugh. Long story short haha. It is nice to think about how it might be to explore other options, because the world is vast, and we are all curious at least I know I am. But it is also smart to be happy with what you have already which I am very grateful for despite all the hard work that it entails. It is a lot of emotional pressure, and mental stress but through it all I know I am happy even though I don’t feel it constantly.

This Again?

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Oh how the tinder world is so bizarre.

Over the Winter Break I somehow found myself re-installing the dreaded tinder app. Yay. I was back in a bigger city and for the first five days I was home, I really wasn’t into meeting with people and talking about how our lives have been. I mean I just spent the last two weeks living in a library studying for finals, it’s not like I’ve been doing much.

But I still went on and still swiped (how much I’m hating myself as I’m writing this) and matched. I don’t really go on to talk to people, I typically do it because I’m bored and wanted to kill time. But that’s a pretty rude thing to say to a person when they are the first to talk.  Continue reading

A T(ex)t.

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Finally receiving a text after a week was the result of the unannounced presence of Tinder guy’s ex girlfriend. He decided to not voice what the hell was happening in his life.

Which obviously boosted my ego.
Fucker.

So finally he apologized for not saying anything, told me it wasn’t my fault, doesn’t know what is happening in his life, doesn’t know what to do, doesn’t want to see anyone, BUT he did ask for coffee. That’s a plus. Right? (The angry sarcasm is very real today)

So I accepted the coffee invite, I mean what else am I suppose to say. I genuinely hate being held in the dark and FINALLY he’s owning up to the shit that’s happening in his life. Good.

I do have to say I am a little upset, I’ve come to accept the fact that I don’t like guys

1. who are my age 
&
2. who are attending school

Great rules right. Ugh. Anyways I don’t think I even have to mention that I hate his ex. Well strongly dislike her. But when the coffee date is set it’s basically goodbye.

I can rant for so much longer but I’m legit trying to just get over this at this point already. 

Ugh.

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Okay straight up. It’s been weeeeeks since the incident with Tinder Guy. And then afterwards I have yet to see him. Oh but don’t worry! We’ve still been texting…until his phone fucked up. Too coincidental?

So for the first week we were messaging back on tinder again very sporadically. Which was whatever too me because the first week he was busy doing things with his friends for his birthday and he offered to squeeze in an hour but I turned him down. Who ever wants to be squeezed in. Jeez.

Then second week. Anime north. Okay let that go too. I think at this point he actually got a phone so we went back to texting. BUT. His texting was still as shit as Tinder messaging. So fuck me right? Right.

Now its like the third week of not seeing him and I tried to be nonchalant and not bring up seeing each other but I couldn’t keep talking to this if this wasn’t moving forward. Why waste the time. And so I just finally asked “hey will I ever see you?” Then after a couple days of waiting I get back a message bitching about how his phone sucks, and he doesn’t reply much. Okay sure. He also replies “Yes you will see me”

No answer to when or where but Yes that’s it. The topic switches to the current what are you doing shit. Maybe two days of just normal conversation when I mention that I’ll be around his area on the Friday. He goes, “what really, I’m working all day and I have work the next day too”
And this is where I kind of snap and say “When am I going to see you? I may be in your area again on Tuesday for dinner(this was my salvage message) and lastly “but you’re so damn busy. I give up.” And he says that working two jobs in taxing. I understand my Father is in the same line of work. I see this everyday BUT some effort would be nice. Or at least verbal affirmation of ‘hey kind of busy this week with work, maybe something next week’ Isn’t that better than absolutely nothing.

I just agreed with him and then for some stupid reason I decided to text the next day (the Saturday) if he was busy next week. It’s been 5 days with no reply. So I officially give up. Because what more can one do when they have too much pride and doesn’t want to risk anymore.

Doubts : Good or Bad

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Is it bad to have doubts?

I’m acting liked a scorned woman and the thing is, I have never been scorned before (by a man). But here I am, second guessing everything and not wanting to actually like this guy.

My mind is literally split into two.

One side is saying

“Yea, he likes you”

And the other side is saying

“How are you so sure? What if his end goal was sex? He’s already got that. What more is there? A relationship? Hah.”

Which I have to admit is true. Sex is the epitome of what people want. I mean relationships are meant for the emotional connection, but let’s be real. Sex is good, and if you can have it, why deny it?

BUT. That’s also why the tip is to not give it up until both parties are relatively invested. I can’t say I regret anything, because for the moment it was good. And I’ve learned to not expect much from the get go, it’s the easiest way to be disappointed, but it’s also the easiest way to lose one’s sense of romance. I wish there was a perfect blend of looking through rose tinted glasses and live that fairy-tale life, but also have your expectations and desires in check. That would make life way too easy.

Anyways, the last time I saw Tinder guy was on my birthday, so it’s been almost two weeks soon. CONVINIENTLY his phone is working so we now resorted to messaging on tinder again, and SUPPOSEDLY his work schedule is all fucked up and he’s endlessly busy.

But the thing is were still talking though it has died down considerably since the switch, but he wanted to see me tonight quick before he left for his birthday thing, but I turned it down since I was going to go out and to me there is no point to squish in a meet up. We’re not meeting up to talk about some business project, we see each other for the company, so why rush it? Just so he can say he saw my face?

I’m not mad though, I think I lost my nerves and the sense of “do I care” I mean I still like the guy. But I feel like I didn’t see him enough times to be so invested that if this fell apart I’m not going to be too hurt. Does that make me seem heartless? $:

I understand that because I was also consensual to the sex I can’t be mad that he “took” that from me. I can’t be pissed at him if his phone broke, and I can’t be upset if he’s busy with work and ends late, I’m a student and he’s not. It’s just the circumstances that we’re in. I want to say that I’m understanding but I’m questioning if I truly am understanding or if I already gave up.

~ Cheers Guys.

Birthday >< Sex

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For someone who had a light bet with her bestie for “the least amount of sexual relations” I just broke it and started losing.

Fucking Tinder Guy somehow got me to have birthday sex! I mean why the hell didn’t I do this with my own boyfriend!

The worst thing is, I was with my bestie drinking before he came, and she clearly asked

When are you going to have sex with “Tinder Guy”?
In like three months?

When she asked me, it seemed right to say yea that seems about right.

Then two hours later, there I am riding this giant of a man. I mean why the hell did I stop. It’s been so long I forgot how good it was.

Though I do feel bad for my roommates, I moved in less than 3 hours and I’m already christening my bed.
I do feel A LITTLE ashamed, because it’s literally the third date. And a couple weeks ago I was watching Grey’s Anatomy and Miranda was freaking out because she was just about to have her third date and the third date is “sex date” and she was determined not to have it. I always related to Miranda, except for this moment. I’m sorry Miranda I let you down.

Birthday sex was good though, and I’m glad I was prepared for it. But now that sex is in play how do I get to know more about this guy?

I revise my previous statement. Adulthood is damn well pleasant.

Friendship?

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Should there be a line in between a guy and a girl’s friendship?
I was always the one to think that it would not happen. I know that there is a time in between the friendship when one gets attracted to the other, and there is no one gender that is prone to falling. But the question is should the other (the one that didn’t fall) continue the friendship if they know?

I don’t even normally keep friendships with guys just because it’s a hassle and it usually ends up with me liking the guy. The only other time I had a good guy friend was when I was with my ex and one of his friends became one of my really good friend, but the thing was the he also had a girlfriend of his own.

I’m not sorry that his girlfriend and my ex couldn’t become as close as us, but I figured because we all had our own relationships there wouldn’t be a problem. No one had a problem beside my ex, he threw a tantrum and my friendship took a beating but we actually stayed friends until I broke up with my ex, got busy with the summer, and then finally left for university. But over the two years we were friends (the first year I wasn’t really together with my ex) I did have a SMALL crush on him, key word being small; but I got over it and we were good.

Nearing the end of my relationship with my ex, there was another guy who was in all my classes and we knew of each other but never really knew each other. He was always there to help but wasn’t always around to be “that nice friend”, he’d comment and flatter me, but I knew he also did that commonly; it was his personality. Even though I was falling out of my relationship I didn’t think of him as a prospect.

Once I finally broke up with my ex me and this guy went on a date and watched a movie. Yes, I did dress up as hot as I can for a movie date, but it ended with a casual ride back and no kiss or anything. And after that I got too busy to see him again and then I left for school.

He did text me later saying that he should’ve kissed me which he didn’t do. The thing is HE’S A GREAT GUY FRIEND!

Then when I was talking to him this year, which is a complete school year later, he told me he had a crush on me (when I was still with my ex). I thanked him for the affection but there wasn’t much I could do since we were miles away and I didn’t really want a long distance relationship.

Since he told me he had a crush on me literally a year ago, I figured he was over it (because if I were in his shoes I would’ve gotten over it by now; I mean it’s just a crush and the person isn’t even in front of you.) He slowly became a good guy friend, where I would ask about what the guys I was talking to thinking, or what I could do, basically guy advice.

We also harmlessly flirted, and called each other bae, if one of us was talking to a guy or girl the other would get jealous but it was all jokes and fun for me. I thought the same for him, but now I’m kind of questioning it. He told me his ex called him and he mentioned me as his girlfriend, and I didn’t really care because the validated reason was that he wanted look like he had his shit together and as long as she didn’t come to kill me I didn’t mind.

So the guy I talked about in my previous post, I talked to my guy friend about, and as a joke he said that he was jealous that we kissed but he did give me helpful advice. So again I took it as a joke, though I do realize I did hold back on calling him bae and shit, I guess it makes sense to why.

Somehow today we came to talk about dreams which started off innocent, then took a turn to how I was always on his mind. Which put me in a halt. I’m again flattered but, should I end this friendship? Is that narcissistic of me? I know that I’m not hot shit, it’s not like he’s always going to be hung over me. So why end the friendship…right?

Then he goes to say, that he can’t even text half the things that run through his mind. Me, being curious and all I asked for two sentences. Let me say, I understand the phrase

“Curiosity killed the cat”

I could not unread what I read.

Here are the bits and pieces of it

“I’ve always wondered how you tasted – not your lips”

“Where you shiver”

“Where you go crazy”

I mean god damn, he sent that 3 hours ago. And I still don’t know what to say to that. We talked about sex and such but never like with each other, the conversation would be follow what I have with my girlfriends, clearly a little different since I’m getting a guy’s perspective as well.
Right now I don’t know how to feel, a part of me wishes that all he wanted was a kiss, so harmless. I don’t question it that I don’t want to sleep with him, but I don’t know what to think continuing this friendship. Would I be overreacting if I cut it?

I just honestly wished I didn’t ask for the betterment of both of us.

Waiting.

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I’m not sure if I like seeing someone/talking to someone. And I mean like more than just harmless flirting. It’s been a while since I’ve actually invested time into someone.

After meeting a crap ton of crappy guys, a girl knows when to try and when not to. When to be reckless and stupid and when to be patient and smart.

But I also forgot about the nervousness, waiting for texts, the “where are they, what are doing?” questions, the constant need to know more about them.
God I kind of liked it better when I already knew things about the guy (so clearly someone like my ex) but I don’t like any of these feelings at all.

I understand that I did date my ex when I had a younger mentality but even then I didn’t have much of the teenage girl dream that our relationship was going to last forever. But when we were flirting I was the one who would freak out over one text, or that it took him hours to reply. I tried not to care, I really did but it did affect me.

As we did start dating I began to get comfortable and didn’t worry when it did take him hours to reply, or even didn’t, but I guess it was also because I was falling out of it.

So after my ex it’s been over 6 months, and it’s not like I didn’t anyone, it’s just that I didn’t meet anyone that I would’ve liked or to say I didn’t like. And when I don’t like a guy it’s really hard for me to maintain some sort of conversation.

And when there were guys who liked me and was texting/talking to me, I WAS THE SHITTIEST PERSON. I took forever to reply. After my ex I became the absolute worst texter ever, even with my friends. If I felt there was nothing to say, I just didn’t.

As of right now how I feel about waiting for texts etc. has toned itself in comparison to how I dealt with it with my ex, but it is still something that effects. That high school that freaks out and I hate it!
I wish I could not freak out about it, but I still do.

Just why? ):

Trust.

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Since coming to university I really hated all the guys I have met. Not to be rude, but I just feel they are worse than the males I had to deal with in High School.

So over Easter Break, I broke and finally went on Tinder. I know!
But I did it. I only did it with the thought to boost my self esteem since it’s been months since coming to university and I haven’t met ONE decent guy. I just wanted to shallowly judge men for their looks, no harm in that.

And so forth, I swiped. It was actually really fun at first and I probably kept myself entertained for the weekend. For the record I ONLY swiped, I didn’t feel the need to have interactions with these guys. I mean would I really trust someone whom I have never met.

And so, I come back to Uni and of course I got bored and didn’t want to study so I opened up tinder. Though the level of attractiveness severely dropped once coming to uni (Sorry guys).
I walked over to my friend and told her I broke and got Tinder (she’s in a relationship thus she’s not allowed to have tinder lol).

She took my phone and we both had fun judging guys. Until we came across this guy who was REALLY cute, and I mean after soooooo many no’s he was a definite yes. And again, I repeat I never message any of the guys I match with because frankly I just have too much pride for it and I really don’t trust ever meeting with anyone of these guys.
I think it’s a reasonable concern for a five foot girl to go alone to meet a guy I met on the internet….Let’s be real.

We finished up with our Tinder binge and got over it. I never thought much about it until said guy messaged me. It was a really good conversation. He didn’t seem like an asshole and we had a solid conversation about our lives.

This went on for a couple of days, and to be honest there’s only so much that could be said over messaging, plus messaging on Tinder is a bitch.

So I somehow got convinced into meeting this guy in person and I was freaking out.

One: because I’ve never actually gone a first date with someone whom I did not know completely. Because back in high school, you at least know “of” the guy and his reputation.

Two: He could potentially be a serial killer I wouldn’t know, being cute doesn’t validate he’s not. It’s usually the cute ones that are the killers.

He managed to get my number as well (I’m so weak) and we set a date and time. IT WAS THE MOST WEIRDEST THING.
It was strangely awkward. My oddest worry was the I didn’t look as attractive as my pictures.

Nope, it wasn’t “I hope he likes my personality” it was “I hope I’m pretty enough” I mean really? Really?

We went out, got drinks, had food.
Solid conversation, talking to him felt like I was talking to my bestie. Going through multiple topics not realizing how smoothly the subjects were changing.

The place we went was a small cozy looking bar with really high chairs. No complaints.
They had an exquisite bar! There was a stacks of bottles, frankly it looked really gorgeous. An alcoholic’s dream. The place was dimly lit, a small candle on the small table. I give it to him, he picked a good place.

Once we were finally done staying there, because we did take our sweet time. The sun set and the cold spring air came around. Though it was evident to both of us that we didn’t want to stop talking. Which I found to be a real turn on actually. He made me not want to look at my phone, because he never touched his. Even though I didn’t touch mine (out of respect as well) I didn’t want to. I mean why ruin it.

Thus we both decided to go for a walk. And at this point it was already like two and a half hours into the date.
We walked backed to his car, and he grabbed his jacket and we went for a walk. Continued talking and another hour passed and we slowly made it back to his car. We stood there a second and he asked “did you still want to walk?” but it was more so I just wanted to still keep talking to him. We were hitting the four hour mark on this date.
Do dates last that long?

I said, “I still want to walk. Let’s walk on the train tracks and see where it goes” and that’s what we did even at this point we didn’t know what time it was. So we followed the tracks, it led into some pretty creepy places, but I had a six foot guy beside me, was I still worried? Yup. I still was.

We finally turned around a certain point and walked back to the car, hitting the five hour mark on this date. Which surprised us both. He offered to drive me back to my place (because he actually didn’t pick me up from my place. We met at a plaza which was like 15 mins away from where I was)

So I trusted him, he parked the car and offered to walk me to the bottom of my building. And that awkward moment at the very end of all dates, in movies or in real life. It’s always awkward.
He gave me a polite hug and left with a really dorky exit.

The night went well, and I like the guy, but I barely know him, and I find it so bizarre that this is how people do it. Or this is how they relatively do it. I mean this date was nice, but if you got a really weird ass dude that can just throw off everything.

My honest advice is to never use tinder as a way to meet people. Because I don’t trust it and most likely 9/10 guys wouldn’t end well.

Read, But Don’t Reply

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When I saw him, leaning against the railing. He had a meeting he said before he left this morning.

For a man who wears a snapback because he doesn’t want to fix his shaggy dark hair in the morning, and usually leaves his scruff for a couple days, with a t-shirt and jeans, he cleaned up so well.

Crisp button down that slides into his dress pants, held by the leather belt with a silver rectangular buckle. Sleeves rolled up around his forearms, exposing his metallic watch. His hair was perfectly combed over and his bread was just the right length.

He stood there, staring out the window. A woman walks up beside him, and casually leans on the railing, too close, for my comfort at least.

They exchanged words, well he did, she was obviously flirting.
I hated her and he knew it.

“We can redo it at my place?” Was all I can make out from her lips. I inched closer.
“I’ll figure it out somehow” he replied.
Well said! I smiled.

Now or never. I smoothed out my skirt and dropped my gym bag behind the wall so they couldn’t see it.

My strut was heard, with each step my heels clicked. He looked up from talking to her and she swerved her head around, her ombred hair twirling with length.

“Hey” I smiled. He returned one to me.
“Hey” he whispered, “give us a moment” he told her. I saw her face drop. She nodded, glanced a glare at me and walked in. I smirked, love it when I get a win.

“What are you doing here?” he asked. I held out his folder, assuming it was his notes on today’s meeting. He smiled, “You’re the best!”
“I know” I said with a shrug.
“Thought you were suppose to be at the gym today” he questioned.
“See. I was, but I saw that you left that behind this morning so I decided to drop it off, good thing I did” I looked back into the room, nudging my head at the woman.
He smiled, “Well I did say no.”
“I’m sure you did”
“And you’re clothes?” he looked at my nicely fitted white blouse that was tucked into my navy pencil skirt.
I laughed, “My bag is literally around the corner, had to fold these extra carefully.” He followed my laugh and kissed my forehead. “I’ll see you back at home” he mumbled on head.
“You better hurry” I said with a wink. “Oh, and check your phone in a bit.” My heels clicking again as I walked off.

His phone buzzes. He glances at it mid presentation. He stopped talking. “One second.” Grabbed his phone and steps aside astounded by the text.

Placing his phone down he resumes his presentation, which he executed perfectly. There was motivation behind his performance.

The moment the meeting was over, he grabbed all his things threw it into his bag and hurried out the door waiting for what was home.