Scared..

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It’s so scary to like someone, you know wholeheartedly. It’s scary to know there is a person who fits your standards, and to realize your standards weren’t false. It’s scary to think where this could all go. It’s scary to think if this is going to end within a day. It’s scary to try.

After day 1, and after everything that has happened. It’s so weird to meet someone like me but also different. I’m not sure how I feel about him being so similar to me because it’s so strange to say I feel like I like him because he reminds me of me. Isn’t that a little to narcissistic.

I spent four days with this guy and I don’t know how I feel. But somehow I broke down by the second day and told this guy, the first ever male in my life who wasn’t family my deepest darkest secret, that has made me the person I am today. The cynical, distrusting, bitch that I am. One part of me is so glad for the person I have become, but the other always questions what I could have been. After I broke down, so did he. And we both agreed because of the fact we put so much trust and faith into other which we normally wouldn’t have done with someone we barely knew, there had to have been something there. Sunday morning, we were dating, I guess. haha. Neither of us wanted to admit it. But we’re a couple, and I still cringe thinking about it.

But I still for sure know that I’m scared, and probably always will be scared.

 

 

This Again?

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Oh how the tinder world is so bizarre.

Over the Winter Break I somehow found myself re-installing the dreaded tinder app. Yay. I was back in a bigger city and for the first five days I was home, I really wasn’t into meeting with people and talking about how our lives have been. I mean I just spent the last two weeks living in a library studying for finals, it’s not like I’ve been doing much.

But I still went on and still swiped (how much I’m hating myself as I’m writing this) and matched. I don’t really go on to talk to people, I typically do it because I’m bored and wanted to kill time. But that’s a pretty rude thing to say to a person when they are the first to talk.  Continue reading

Anti-Christmas

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Apologies, regarding my 30 day writing thing, everything when to shit as finals rolled around.

But I will continue before this year finishes.

Moving on to Christmas though, you know that picture perfect movie-esque family time that everyone tries to emulate. I just had a feeling that wasn’t going to happen in my household this year. How?
Months prior I saw how my parents were acting, throw in my mom and my aunt not talking to each other I knew this was not going to be a very jolly Christmas.

And thus even after my finals were done which they were done pretty early ( I was done 2 days into finals just starting) so I had like 3 weeks of break. Which I did not want to spend at home, in my tiny ass house, with my family. So I stayed with my friends for another week, and honestly even though I felt like I had no purpose being there, (I feel like my home town I’m suppose to chill and the moment I to the city where my school is I’m suppose to study) so the moment I had nothing to study it felt weird. But nonetheless, I stayed, played squash, actually took notes for next semester, binged how I met your mother, had dinner etc. It was great.

Then coming home, just didn’t settle with me. I really didn’t wanna leave.

Walking into my front door, there was the tree in the corner, well decorated too actually, my mom did a great job. I’m the one who always sets up the tree with no help, decorates it, decorates the house, windows, railings etc. and you know just sets the holiday mood.

There was no holiday mood to set this year. Maybe it’s the lack of winter as well, but dear lord, it was draining to be in that home.
Honestly without that tree in the room, there are 5 gifts in the living room and nothing else to show for Christmas spirit.

I also don’t know what to buy anyone so I have yet to do christmas shopping, and there’s 2 days left. Throw in the constant fights, a tiny house which takes you like 30 steps to walk from one side to another, no snow, and one sad tree there is no hope.

I understand this time is for family and stuff, but nothing is really helping this year.

Day Fourteen.

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Day 14.

Do you have any special talents?

To be honest I don’t even know what is considered as a “special” talent. Is it something you can do and no one else can? I’m pretty sure there are many people who can probably do everything I think I can do, 10x better than me.

special talent – often athletic, creative, or artistic aptitude. b : general intelligence or mental power : ability. 5. : a person of talent or a group of persons of talent in a field or activity. — tal·ent·ed \-lən-təd\ adjective.

 

Since it said creative aptitude, I would say my talent is drawing. I’m actually more secure with my drawing abilities than I am with my writing. It’s also probably because I know that there is less creative freedom with writing that I chose drawing. I also have been doing it since I was little. I mean I drew a pretty decent but obvious drawing of my dad in a plane when I was 3-4 years.

I know I had my proportions all wrong, I was drawing girls that have massive heads with itty bitty waists and short stumpy legs. But we all start some where.

I never really had anyone who critically challenged my art, I would show people and they either said it looked nice or it didn’t. No one really tried to tell me to change anything until my first year of highschool. Where I met my (not ex best friend) and she’s not studying to be an illustrator so you clearly know that she knew her shit when she was telling me I could improve. But honestly do thank her for steering me in the right direction. We all have our style and way we create and she helped me find it.

But yea, from then on I learned how to properly sketch/draw people, male and female! I now do traditional (pencil and paper/pencil crayons etc) and digital (tablet & laptop) and water color. I do want to expand my knowledge but it’s hard when that not what you’re studying. Though I do draw little doodles on my exam papers $:

I’ll maybe put something in the future but ya.

Special Talent = Drawing

 

Day Twelve.

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Day 12.

What was your first car? What is your current vehicle?

Since I am a university student, and I currently live 15 mins away from campus by walk. I walk. I also love to walk, there has been times where I would get to a bus stop to wait for it and I can’t stand, standing around for it that I start to walk instead. BUT. If I had to buy a car, for my first one I would probably buy a Volkswagen Beetle 2003 model with stick shift. My reasoning is just that I’m a small person and it’s a small car, I think that goes hand in hand. But ideally maybe in my 30s I’d go for a nicer car like a Lexus. Maybe.

Day Eleven.

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Day 11.

Name a few of your weaknesses.

For sure it’s easier to talk negative about yourself than it is to talk positively. And I think that’s also because it awkward to think that you’re hot shit. Because at the end of the day no one is hot shit, but one would like to believe. So when there is a person who is overly confident it comes off as cocky and rude. Which isn’t the case some times.

Anyways moving on. Some of my weaknesses are that it takes a lot to get me to do something, hence I procrastinate a lot. Which I honestly wish I didn’t. I have a really f***ed up sleeping schedule, thus I am a night owl. Again I want to desperately change that.

One that is my strength and weakness is that I’m honest, sometimes I wish I can just keep my mouth shut. I’m quick tempered, and can get annoyed very easily. I also wish I didn’t tolerate people and then blow up on them. THOUGH. I get over things pretty quickly. The only way I hold grudges are when the circumstances are detrimental.