Is it Worth It?

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She holds herself on high ground

Tipping over

She asks ‘is it worth it’

It grabs her and clenches her breath

Pushes her back, makes her weak

She wants to fight

But

Is it worth it?

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Regret?

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I know before I was complaining about how it was hard to make friends, and now in a week my whole floor is like family.
Of course there are people you like less than others, and others who you would want to spend more one on one time with. And all my life I’ve never really had a huge friend group at a time. Though I always did wonder how it would feel to have a large group of friends.

I realized there are many pros and cons to having your whole floor as your friends.

For example, if I wanted to have a one on one and make a connection with one person it’s so hard to do! Or to drink with a few friends…nuh uh. That will not happen…ever. There is no secrecy, and I for sure need mine! I don’t share my life story with everyone, and I’m not choosing now to start. Everyone also seems to know about your plans as well.

Though if we wanted to go to a party most of us would be down. And there’s always someone for a lunch/dinner date, BUT you may get that random person that may join.

I know it’s only been my second week, but I realized that I have to be careful of what I say and how I act. It’s not like I don’t like these girls I’m just not used to this many people, and my distrust in people doesn’t help either.

sigh.

Friends!

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I remember someone saying that it’s really lonely floating around in space alone, since there’s no sound anywhere. I don’t think I realized the severity of that situation until recently. 
I mean, think about that; I myself always say “Yea, I can handle being by myself for a bit” but realistically I still have my phone on me, and I’m MOST LIKELY listening to my music on full blast. 

No matter how alone you are there are distractions that can help kill time. But in space, where there’s PURE silence and you, and the dark universe surrounding you. Now that my friends, is real alone-ness. 

But I’m glad I met people today that I can be me around, and talk about similar things, learn knew things, have them open my world just a little more. That tiny fear of making friends is slowly fading as the days go on. (Though I do have a faculty meeting thing which I’m not excited for at all). 

Lost.

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After multiple days of failed attempts at packing. Then when the D-day of packing days arrive, I end up with some sort of stomach flu which thrown me into a forced slumber (so that I can sleep through the pain) for two days. So finally the last day before I go, the Sunday, was a headless chicken type of thrown together kind of pack.
Which I’m amazed since I got most of my belongings.

This brings me to now.

I don’t know what to do with myself now. I am finally in University…By myself and I feel very clueless of how to make myself productive. And since the first years have to have an orientation week, it’s not like I can start school right away. I don’t think I;m complaining but I’m not sure.
So far the first day has been rewarding but still slightly lonely. Though there are so many connections with other people, it is all still surface questions,

What’s your name/program?/Faculty?/ etc.

and even if they can spare you a bit of their time, there isn’t much to learn to bond for the next four to five years. I personally think it’s even harder to make friends on the same floor, maybe it’s me being me. The odd sensation that I truly am alone now, even though there are more than thousands of students surrounding me.

Even if I am relatively sociable, a huge part of me wants sleep in, miss all the events, eat shitty food and binge watch shows that I have yet to watch. Count down the days until school starts and go from there. And yes, I know, terrible idea; I should get out there and make friends, WHICH IS HARD. Though easy to grab numbers and make empty plans, I find it’s hard to find a genuine friend that will last a lifetime.

 

Therefore, summing today I am still lost.